Stupid Evolution Quote of the Week:  Monkeys Bang Rocks, Invent Culture

The venerable University of Cambridge earns this week’s prize for the following statements in a press release today:

New evidence of “human” culture among primates
23 March 2007
Research suggests that stone-banging by South American monkeys could be a socially-learned skill
Fresh evidence that suggests monkeys can learn skills from each other, in the same manner as humans, has been uncovered by a University of Cambridge researcher.
    Dr Antonio Moura, a Brazilian researcher from the Department of Biological Anthropology, has discovered signs that Capuchin monkeys in Brazil bang stones as a signalling device to ward off potential predators.
    While not conclusive, his research adds to a mounting body of evidence that suggests other species have something approaching human culture.

Some esteemed Cambridge grads of the past, such as James Clerk Maxwell, might have a little fun with this “suggestion.”  He might write a poem on whether the operation is commutative.  Could the converse operation hold as well: i.e., that the faculty and student body appear to be devolving toward monkey culture?

The depths of inanity to which Darwinian dogmatists will sink borders on insanity.  Monkey bangs rock.  Shakespeare can’t be far behind.  Will this line of argument fly at Oxford?  (On second thought… Dawkins territory…)
    There are two reasons why Darwinists get away with shameless nonsense in the press.  The first is because they have not learned shame.  Normal people, not infected with Delusia academia, should teach them the normal human blushing response.  A good bout of laughter can help.  Saturday Night Live should take this theory and run with it.  Calling all comedians: there’s a gold mine of joke material at Darwin Party Headquarters.
    The second reason they get away with nonsense is that the gutless press isn’t doing its job.  Science reporters, like fawning toadies, just gulp down the toad and regurgitate it onto the plate to dish out to the public.  We need a new generation of reporters who understand their role is not to parrot but to ferret.  Fire the current batch and send in some seasoned political reporters to face up to the academics, shove microphones in their faces, and ask questions like:

“How do you know that?  Mr. Moura, doesn’t it seem a little silly that rock-banging by monkeys could have anything to do with human culture?  What do you have to say to the majority of people who would disagree with your idea?  Don’t you feel it is a little bit reckless to take such a trivial behavior and extrapolate it onto human beings?  What about crows and parrots and dogs? (03/08/2007, bullets #2, #3).  Don’t they show much more elaborate signaling behavior than Capuchin monkeys?  Didn’t we learn that even ants can teach one another? (01/11/2006, bullet #3).  You wouldn’t suggest that human culture evolved from crows and ants now, would you?  Couldn’t the same reasoning be used to speculate that architecture evolved from beaver dams?  What makes rock-banging stand out as anything unusual in the animal kingdom?  How could your hypothesis be tested?  How could it be falsified?  Have you been fair to other explanations, or debated with scientists who disagree with your “suggestion”?  Isn’t science supposed to be about verification and justification of ideas?  If it is not conclusive, and only a suggestion, why not get to work in the lab until you can state something with more confidence?  Where is this mounting body of evidence you speak of?  Can you produce it so that our research team can see if any of it really does more than just speculate?  Have you, sir, seen the mounting body of evidence that Darwinism is on the decline?  And why, sir, are you spending your time speculating on such things instead of doing science that can make the world a better place?”

After this barrage (typical of the way political reporters treat the President), Mr. Moura needs to be put face-to-face on TV with a well-prepared and outspoken Darwin critic who can shoot down every suggestion he makes on scientific grounds, and with a philosopher of science who can express outrage at any attempt to draw such a grandiose extrapolation from such flimsy observations.
    Darwinism will slink away silently when the wise and sensible among us stand up to their bluff and demand scientific integrity or else.  Or else what?  Or else a room full of belly laughs.  Reporters, do your homework and come prepared to your next interview with a Darwinist.  Have a long list of hard-hitting questions and, as backup, a box of kazoos and party blowers.