Evolutionists Should Embrace Their Inner Gorilla

The Tarzan Movement would be ideal for
evolutionists wanting to fulfill their destiny

 

Evolutionary biologists do not only believe humans evolved from apes. Some of them, like evolutionary biologist and popular podcaster Bret Weinstein, actually call themselves apes. If that is how they identify, then their worldview has a grand design for them: swinging in the trees while bellowing like Tarzan.

Edgar Rice Burroughs’ well-known character Tarzan, a baby raised by gorillas to become a nearly naked jungle man swinging from tree to tree on vines, bellowing his loud ahhh-eeee-ahhh yodeling call, has long been an iconic figure in movies, TV shows and cartoon books. The role has usually been played by Hollywood musclemen wearing loincloths instead of by undernourished jungle vegans. When Tarzan encounters a woman for the first time, his vocabulary expands: “Me Tarzan… You Jane.” The monkey-man appears torn between two identities: Homo sapiens sapiens facing the realities of civilization while clinging to his inner gorilla.

Fulfilling the Role

Now, there is a way for evolutionists to embrace their ape identity. They can fulfill the destiny bequeathed to them by the Stuff Happens Law in a new program made to order for evolutionary biologists.

This will be of great benefit especially to male evolved apes. A study at McGill University this week announced that “How having a purpose in life can bolster men’s mental health.” What greater purpose is there for Darwinist male apes than to act according to the evolutionary forces that produced their bodies and material brains, endowing them with traits and behaviors suited to jungle life? The evolutionary psychologists say that “due to evolutionary and social driving forces, men and women have adopted different roles over time.”

The gorilla-man from Brazil is here to help evolutionary biologists connect with their inner gorilla.

The Tarzan Movement: Respite for Weary Evolution Professors

On Fox News this past Wednesday (19 Sept), Primetime TV host Jesse Watters investigated the “Tarzan Movement.” Concocted by Victor Fleites, this new program offers human apes more than just physical fitness. It promises deep inner connections with their ape identity as taught by evolutionary biologists.

In the segment “Americans get hooked on ape-like exercise,” Fleites, who literally swings from trees and walks on all fours, explained to Watters why he came up with the idea.

It is important to not forget that you are an animal. We are animals. We come from the ape family, and I think it is time to recognize this animal side.

In the background are shots of Fleites and followers clambering along tree limbs, knuckle-walking on the ground, and swinging from branch to branch with acrobatic finesse. One clip shows a white woman (Jane?) practicing her ape hoots, presumably looking up at the ripped jungle boys in the trees, who are (fortunately) wearing shorts instead of going all natural.

Watters says that Fleites’ Tarzan Movement teaches other hominids (i.e., Homo sapiens) how to walk on all fours, swing on trees and live like an ape. Asking Fleites why human beings need to connect to their animal roots, he answers in his broken English,

It’s something not to be missed, in my opinion. I mean, it’s such an amazing part of ourselves. There is a dreamic [?] energy from us, something to awake, to keep functional, something that we have been lost in the moral [?] life with all the converse [?] and on…. It’s a way to reconnect with that strength… to be functional, but have fun on the same time, to make it together, to make it in nature.

This is very different from wilderness survival training taught by experts in backwoods techniques for safety and endurance when facing risks outdoors. Those teachers remain fully identified as humans. Fleites is motivated by the call of the wild.

Asked what feeling he gets when running around on all fours, he responds,

Yah, well, you see when I see monkey in the jungles I have been, it’s pretty much the same, when I’m watching outside, its pretty much the same feeling I have, not being concerned about the fear process is. So basically you are into this rush of presence. So this rush of presence for me is what make me feel that I am just connecting with something else. I’m connecting with something else that allow me to interact with this ecosystem, that allow me to integrate my mobility there, and it just works amazing.

Jesse rewords this as, “You’re reconnecting spiritually and physically with the animal kingdom.”

Learn to Be What You Evolved to Be

Fleites’ website for The Tarzan Movement opens with video clips of humans in the trees acting like apes in their natural habitat, except for the clothes. The “About” page explains,

It is the attention and silence, it is in trees as much as in people. It is to incorporate the way we observe life with fresh eyes and accompany us with daily practice without feeling forced. It is coming together to play wherever we are. It is a cultural movement that does not depend on a specific place or individual, I take it with me and in the same way you can take it with you.

One of the male staff apes makes handpan percussive music. Another female staff ape wears body paint. The “Online Courses” offered allow the student to choose workouts based on the behavior of the Lemur, the Orangutans, the Gibbon or the Gorilla. Fleites offers “a safe space to create a community where people can explore how to embody different animals and their movements, explore their own relationship with trees and fears.” A documentary film shares testimonies of other human apes who have joined the movement.

Evolutionists, here is your chance! Escape the artificial world of academia, with its stodgy old buildings designed largely by religious people, and reconnect with your hominid past. Book a flight to Tanzania or Uganda. After you arrive, walk out into your natural habitat, take off your clothes, and join your family. Climb trees. Walk on all fours. Learn to hoot and grunt like the chimps. You will be wonderfully interconnected with the ecosystem in which you evolved. The feeling of a rush of presence will feel amazing! You’ll love it. Gone will be the publish-or-perish pressure on you, the high cost of living, and the rioters driving you out of your office.

No fair, though, having shipments of food or medicine out to your new habitat. That would be very unnatural. Your evolutionary fitness depends on you making it on your own. You’ll learn to dig roots and eat berries with the best of your kin. Soon you will no longer be naked and afraid. And if you get injured falling from a tree, Ruggero will play his hand drums for you, and Ocean will come over to caress you and make it all better.

Creationists, let’s encourage the evolutionists in this endeavor. Tell them it’s healthy for them to be authentic. They shouldn’t be living as parasites on the accomplishments of western civilization. They will be happiest and most fulfilled in their evolutionary habitat. Let’s think of some bumper sticker slogans to get them motivated:

• • Be all that you were meant to be.
  • Naked apes have more fun.
  • Embrace your inner gibbon.
  • Knuckle-walking is power.
  • Improve your fitness: survive in your native habitat.
  • Shuck civilization for authenticity.
  • The jungle is the habitat for humanity.
  • It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.
  • [your suggestion]

Don’t knock it. This is serious. It’s one way to get evolutionary biologists out of politics and education so that civilization can thrive.

Fret not for them; this is what they want. And once their utopian experiment implodes, as it certainly will, evangelical Christians will rush in with medical missions, establish a hospital, and provide services for physical, mental, and spiritual healing.