Science Jokes

Frogs Without Legs
A Chinese scientist placed a frog on his lab table one day to perform an experiment. First, he carefully measured its height, length, and weight. He trained it to respond to the word “Jump!” with an immediate leap. Carefully plotting a number of trials, he determined that the average leap in response to the stimulus was 14 centimeters. The scientist proceeded to amputate one of the frog’s legs. On cue, with the shout “Jump!” the frog jumped 11 centimeters. The scientist carefully recorded the data in his lab book. Next he amputated another leg, shouted “Jump!” and the frog jumped 6 centimeters. Upon amputating the next leg, and giving the command to jump, the frog jumped only 1 centimeter. All these data points were dutifully recorded and plotted. Finally, the scientist amputated the fourth leg and shouted “Jump!” but nothing happened. He shouted again. He raised the decibel level and shouted “Jump!” again; still no response. Subsequent shouts at higher decibel levels failed to stimulate the frog to jump. The scientist concluded his experiment, entered his final data points, and wrote up his results. His conclusion? “Frogs without legs are deaf.”
Moral: Scientific data must be interpreted.

All Sheep in Scotland Are Black
A psychologist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist were riding a train through the Scottish countryside. Looking out the window, they all noticed a lone black sheep on a hill. The psychologist intoned, “Well, what do you know. I didn’t realize the sheep in Scotland were black.” The biologist corrected him, saying, “You don’t know that all the sheep in Scotland are black – just some of them.” Piping in, the mathematician retorted, “Tut, tut, tut, to be correct you must say, ‘At least one’ sheep in Scotland is black.” The physicist had the last word, though, stating, “Gentlemen, all we know with certainty based on our observations is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black on at least one side, at least part of the time.”
Moral: There are hard and soft sciences, and extrapolation is not always justified.
Application: microevolution vs. macroevolution

The Banana
Two construction workers, Moe and Joe, were riding on a train, eating their lunches. Moe peeled his banana and took a bite. At that very instant, the train entered a dark tunnel. “Joe!” he shouted to his friend. “Yeah, what?” Joe answered, unconcerned. “Did you eat your banana yet?” “No,” he replied. “Well, don’t!” Moe exclaimed. “I just bit into mine and went blind!”
Moral: Beware the fallacy “post hoc, ergo propter hoc” (after the fact, therefore because of the fact).
Variation: “Drinking coffee on an airline causes turbulence.”
Application: origin of life, evolution.

Never Mind, God
A boy fell off a cliff and cried out, “Lord, save me!” Before he finished the sentence his shirt caught on a branch. “Never mind, God,” he said, relieved; “This branch here caught me.”
Moral: We sometimes fail to see the hand of God in our lives.

I’m OK; God Will Save Me

Floods were being forecast after a period of heavy rain, and the townspeople were being ordered to evacuate as a nearby river began to overflow its banks. A man escaping in his car noticed his neighbor sitting calmly on his front porch. He called out, “Bill, do you need a ride?” “No, I’ll be all right; God will save me,” he replied. After about an hour, the waters were rising in the street. Another evacuee was rowing by in a boat and saw Bill, still sitting on his front porch. “Say, mister,” he called out, “would you like a lift?” “No, I’m OK,” Bill replied, “God will save me.” Several hours later, Bill was sitting on top of his roof. A helicopter flew over and the pilot shouted down with his bullhorn, “Sir, grab this line and I’ll pull you to safety.” “That’s OK, don’t worry about it,” he answered. “God will save me.”

Well, old Bill drowned and found himself at the gate of heaven, surprised and stunned. He asked a nearby angel, “What happened? How did I get here? I was trusting that God was going to save me.” Thou fool,” the angel responded, “The Master sent you a car and a boat and a helicopter; what more did you want?”
Moral: God also works through natural means, and we need to get involved – or – God’s sovereignty is no excuse for irresponsibility.
Quote: “His eye is on the sparrow, but God doesn’t put the worm in the nest.”

Adam and Eve Jokes
1. “Adam, do you love me?” “Who else?”
2. Madam, I’m Adam. (a palindrome)

The Help Mate
Adam was enjoying his first day in the garden, naming the animals and swinging through the trees, but after awhile was feeling a little lonely. The Lord said, “Adam, I’ve got just the thing for you. It will be a beautiful creature, like you but different, who will be a delight for your eyes. She will be a perfect companion and friend, play with you, give you wonderful feelings, caress you and care about your innermost desires. She will talk and laugh with you, never argue or complain, smile at you and blow you kisses and wink and make you feel like a real man. Not only that, she will cook and clean for you, pick up your things, make your lunches, cut your hair, make your bed and be up in the morning before you to make your breakfast, and . . . ” “Whoa, that sounds great,” Adam interrupted, “but what will it cost?” “Well, that’s the hard part,” God answered; “It’s going to cost you an arm and a leg.” Adam thought for a moment, turned his head and sighed. After a long pause, he turned back to the Lord and bargained, “How much can I get for a rib?”

[Touchè for the women in the audience] – God made woman second because practice makes perfect – or – Eve was an upgrade.

DARWIN DAY GAMES
For Darwin Day February 12, plan these exciting games!

Play pin the feather on the dinosaur blindfolded.
Start a Malthus food fight. Be sure to serve it on Emma Wedgwood china.
Climb the fitness peak in an undulating landscape, like a jump house.
Play “telephone” and try to disprove the law of conservation of information.
Play “animal, vegetable or mineral?” (the answer is, “Yes, all three”).
Hold a dart contest on a red-state map, with Kansas as the bulls-eye.
Stage a Just-So Story Contest; the winner gets a Whopper.
Hit the Hopeful Monster piñata (a reptile figure filled with saltationalized bird eggs).
Play Prisoner’s Dilemma and reward the rebels who escape Virtue Island.
Practice meditation: chant “we hate ID” until a state of euphoria is reached.
Have battles with slime and play King of the Hill.
Blindfold monkeys and watch them type Shakespeare.
Assemble a watch blindfolded.
Hold a Darwin beard contest with lady judges to test sexual selection.
Decorate lizards with feathers and drop them from trees till they fly.
Vote on community Darwin Awards.
Hold a Planet of the Apes and Survivor movie festival.
Play “glue the peppered moth on the tree trunk.”
Sing Evolution Songs around a campfire fueled with creationist books.
Test survival of the fittest: debate a creationist.
Cartoon Contest: see who can create the funniest cartoon of Mohammed evolving from an ape. (Warning: DANGEROUS!)

DARWIN DAY GIFT IDEAS
For that special someone on your gift list, here are some ideas:

A blindfolded Tinker Bell doll (01/13/2006), or a Tinker Toy Set with a hammer.
Framed picture of Haeckel’s embryos (02/08/2007) and the updated version (CMI).
The Cambrian Explosion (a toy grenade with animals that pop out fully formed).
For a disliked person, this gag gift: a Truth in Science information pack (01/11/2007, bullet 6; 11/27/2006).
An amber necklace containing bacteria that haven’t evolved at all in 220 million years (12/13/2006, bullet 6).
Golf balls that wobble at random (01/09/2007).
A Charlie statuette that looks like Buddha. The deluxe edition includes a niche with bamboozle curtains (11/27/2006 commentary).
A glider parachute (see story on National Geographic) to help your friend evolve on the way down (12/13/2006, bullet 6).
A human-cow chimera (11/29/2006) that can milk itself.
A radiation belt to induce beneficial mutations (12/14/2006).

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you’ll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!
The donkey answered: I’ll be a donkey, but working 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the man, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!
The dog answered: God, dealing with humans for 25 years is too much; give me only 10. God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a MONKEY!
The monkey answered: God, 20 years is too much for that kind of life; give me only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be MAN, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The man answered: God, I’ll be Man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don’t you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey gave away?

That was what God did, and since then, Man lives 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, he spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from one child’s house to another, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.

Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah’s Ark

Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
Don’t listen to critics – do what has to be done.
Build on the high ground.
For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
If you can’t fight or flee – float!
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.
When things gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain – shovel!
Stay below deck during the storm.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
Don’t miss the boat.
No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side.

DHMO: The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is a colorless, odorless, and tasteless substance, and it kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
is found in high concentrations in beer.
contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. ut the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

It’s Not Too Late!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don’t know can hurt you and others throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or write: Coalition to Ban DHMO, 211 Pearl St., Santa Cruz CA, 95060.
Moral: Think critically. DHMO is plain ol’ water.

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