Dumbest Stories of 2013

Here’s a review of some of the “Stupid Evolution Quotes of the Week” and dumbest just-so stories from the past year.

1. In January, an evolutionist claimed that “prune fingers” evolved to help our ancestors grip food underwater (1/10/13).  Another  claimed that lip-smacking in macaques led to human language (1/14/13).  Others claimed that tiny bubbles of fat led to the origin of life; another supported a theory of survival of the dumbest (1/23/13).
2. In February, we were told we are descendants of “a fuzzy, bug-eating, scampering critter” (2/11/13).  Another story claims that ultraviolet vision in birds evolved 11 times, and the appendix evolved in mammals 32 separate times (2/12/13).  Nick Lane said “Life is a side reaction of an energy-harnessing reaction,” claiming the complex ATP synthase machine evolved because life needed it (2/13/13).  On Valentine’s Day, evolutionists told us love is just a cocktail of chemicals (2/14/13).  We also learned about the Mighty Mouse theory of evolution (2/15/13) and the evolution of tatooing (2/19/13).
3. In March (3/13/13), paleoanthropologists enjoyed another romp in Paleofantasy Land (their favorite amusement park), and Nature considered Mao Tse-tung a fount of wisdom for his “virtue of self-criticism” (3/15/13).  Origin-of-life theorists imagined protein big-bangs and comet storks bringing life to earth (3/20/13).  Some evolutionists told stories about the evolution of gambling; another linked frog feet to the origin of human hair; another said polar bears prove survival of the fattest (3/23/13).
4. In April, we chuckled about the evolution of laughter when they said it came from apes tickling each other (4/08/13).  Lucy and Desi had a falling out on tax day (4/15/13).  Darwinists tried to make the most of an unevolved fish, Coelacanth when its genome suggested to them little change in tens of millions of years (4/18/13).  The “power of the primordial soup” was “discovered” in pools of acid around volcanoes; another deduced that life on earth is older than the earth (4/19/13).  Seven new just-so stories graced our 4/20/13 entry, like How the Fish Got Its Butt Fin; we also announced MIT’s new “BAH! Festival” that mocks evolutionary “Bad Ad-Hoc Hypotheses” in a “survival of the funniest” contest….

We’re only to April, and we’re too worn out from laughing to continue.  For the rest of 2013, you’ll have to just scour through the “Dumb” category on your own.  Find it under Awards/Dumb on the category bar.  There were some new entries in late December, though: a Neanderthal fossil turned out to be from a medieval Italian (Live Science), and New Scientist claims that the evolution of cussing is what made us human.

You have to admit evolutionists are funny.  The typical Darwinist is half storyteller, half divination artist, and half hallucinating alcoholic (drunk on Darwine).  “But,” you say, “that’s three halves.  A whole has only two halves.”  But it all works out, because if the typical Darwinist had another wit, he or she would be a half-wit.  Happy New Year, Darwin Party: we hope you can learn to laugh at yourselves, because you will undoubtedly keep us in stitches in 2014.  Now tell us the story of the evolution of Darwinism.  Tilt!  Short circuit!