Laugh Lines: Latest Lame Legends for Darwin

The funniest stories are
those by Darwinians who
take themselves seriously

To celebrate our updated Funny Pages, here is a collection of news stories that are hilarious to people with common sense (a population of organisms that excludes Darwin just-so storytellers, who take themselves seriously.) When an evolutionary biologist in a Yoda Complex trance surrounds itself* with fogma, it cannot see its position atop a house of cards on quicksand.

*We use the pronoun it out of respect to the materialist Darwinist, not wishing to assume its pronouns as a meat robot.

Walking on two legs may explain human musicality and language (Örebro University, 10 April 2025). A Darwinist with a face apparently suffering from years of Darwine inebriation speculates on the origin of Beethoven, John Williams and Shakespeare:

The fact that humans walk on two legs is likely the reason we have developed our rhythmic, musical, and linguistic abilities, new research by physician and researcher Matz Larsson shows. “This also explains why running and going for walks promote creativity,” he says.

His colleague Dean Falk added to the storytelling, saying that mother’s baby talk “may have stimulated the evolution of music and language.” The two didn’t have to think about it much to get peer reviewed by the University of Chicago journal Current Anthropology, because the editors are accomplices in the crime against scientific standards. Whatever makes Emperor Charles look good gets fast-tracked to publication.

But if Larsson and Falk had thought a little, they would have asked why this law of nature (that music evolves from walking) didn’t work for penguins, turkeys and robins. And don’t hoofed mammals create rhythm when they run? Here’s a tune he could use for the evolution of horse music: the Comedian’s Galop.

See the updated Funny Pages here at CEH.

Colourful city birds (Max Planck University, 7 April 2025). Evolutionists at this German university claim that humans are pushing city birds to evolve to be more colorful. They haven’t visited Los Angeles where black crows have taken over. They didn’t study very hard for this study:

The study showed that species that thrive in urban areas are less brown. ‘Brown shades are more common in natural environments than in cities. We suspect that brown birds are at a disadvantage in a rather grey city. The predominant colours of a city and the lack of suitable habitats can therefore determine which bird species are successful there,’ explains Kaspar Delhey, one of the two lead authors of the study.

One doesn’t have to study for evolutionary studies. The reason? The Stuff Happens Law explains everything that exists. If it exists, it evolved.

Animals are adapting to coexist with humans. But how? (Particle, via Phys.org, 9 April 2025). They call this evolution, but mention no origin of species, no mutations, and no natural selection. Maybe the animals held a committee meeting after seeing a bumper sticker reading “Coexist” and decided on a peace treaty with the Homo sapiens. Or maybe they just like Doritos.

“She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not”: Physical Forces Encouraged Evolution of Multicellular Life, Scientists Propose (U of Chicago Marine Biological Laboratory, 31 March 2025). Let the storytellers speak for themselves:

• In fact, why and how multicellular life evolved has long puzzled biologists.
• “We took a step back in evolution, to when organisms were independent. Why did they even come together in a colony before they ever became fixed in position relative to each other?”
• “So much work on the origin of multicellular life focuses on chemistry. We wanted to investigate the role of physical forces in the process,” says lead author Shashank Shekhar….
• “In a colony, even though an individual might appear to be moving away from one neighbor, it is actually moving closer to another neighbor,” the team writes. This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint….
• “This is earlier, much earlier in evolution where happy single cells said, OK, let’s hang out together and benefit, but then let’s go back to being single again….”

And so the lonely cells picked daisy petals and smiled big when the last one ended on, “She loves me.” Life would never be the same again.

The anus may have evolved from a hole originally used to release sperm (New Scientist, 28 March 2025). Sometimes “No comment” is the better part of dignity.